Apathy

It’s quite dull. Waking up in the afternoon. Breakfast at 2. Lounging. None of it is constructive. None of it is rewarding. It’s the erosion of willpower that develops over the course of a few weeks or days. The unrelenting barrage of ‘meh’. Showering becomes difficult. Eating becomes difficult. Laying in bed becomes difficult. Thinking becomes difficult.

Laying in bed, as I am now,  I do not feel rewarded. I feel embittered. I feel guilty. Is there anyone to blame? Myself, comes first, as I should take more responsibility in my reclusiveness. I could go outside. Go to the shops. Have a walk. Go read somewhere. But it all pales under the allure of ‘bed’ and the sluggishness it entails. The darker sides of apathy had fermented inside of me. They were turned off by the bitterness and left after a few days. It was too much for them.

I tried to exercise the other day. I pulled a muscle in my back. Now it hurts to walk. I used to exercise three times a week in perpetuum. Now it’s around one and a ‘meh’ times a week. I’m lucky to lift up a kilo weight above my head and call it a day. I’m eating more crap. I’m borderline underweight from my years of  controlled eating, but in response to this apathy, I’m eating more sugar. More salt. More fat. None of these things in moderation are an issue, until 75% of your daily intake is carbs. Carbs. CAAARBS. At least I’m eating.

Spanish is going okay. Soy una buen estudiante. Duolingo forces it down my neck that I’m around 50% fluent. It doesn’t take an idiot to realise that’s a load of. I’d say on the scale of fluency I’m the equivalent of a 1 year old Spaniard. I understand, I can babble. I cannot declare the rights of man or offer someone an ice-cream.

I’m not reading as much or playing as much as I used to. The chronic abuse of time I have available to me, wasted on sitting. I could read. I could write. I could question. I could sit and not. My books gather dust on the shelves.

Apathy is a blip we all face. It is a blip we could all do without. It is a blip that allows someone to readjust their life. It is a blip that gives us perspective.

‘Get a job!’ he cried.

‘I’m trying’ he replied. 

 

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